It’s an old adage, probably originally taught in Marketing 101: Like attracts like. You attract people like yourself. Conversely, if you want to attract a certain kind of person, act like (think like, be like, talk like, make like) that kind of person. We also like people who are like ourselves. Therefore, someone responsible for bringing others in will bring in people like himself or herself. And so forth.
Therefore, if you’re dealing with a toxic boss or manager, take a second look. Difficult people tend to attract difficult people. Likely you’ve landed in a difficult culture. Therefore, your chances of changing the boss or manager are small, because the whole culture supports it.
In fact you may at one point look around yourself, count noses, find them all to be snouts, and ask yourself the simple question, “What am I doing here?” (It’s a sad moment, I know, having been there, but one from which you can learn. Read on!)
WHO REALLY HIRED YOU?
Many toxic managers (and bosses) hire a go-between, a more reasonable person, who does the people-work, so you may have been shielded from the full brunt of it at hiring time. A typical interview can conceal more than it reveals, and many purposely keep the minotaur back in the labyrinth until ready to sacrifice the new employee … I digress.
Or then again it may be the responsibility of the HR department and you don’t even meet the person you’ll be working for until you’ve signed on the dotted line. So, you may, in fact, have been hired by a really nice person.
If you’ve stumbled into this situation, how can you avoid it happening in the future? If you think back, you may find some clues you overlooked that can help guide future interactions (and help make your intuition conscious for future use!).
Questions tend to sneak into interviews these days like, “Do you mind being yelled at?” and “How do you feel about profanity? ” Whether these questions are legal or not is not the subject of this article; how to use this information is. If you’re asked questions like these, or questions that hint at them, have those feelers up and pay attention!
I’ve also heard interviewers get mellow, smile and say, “She’s a real sweetheart to work for,” so positive information can also be spilled.
Some world-weary interviewers these days who’ve hired and fired repeatedly for the same person, can’t help it and will blurt out, “She’s difficult to work for. Can you handle that?” They’re so tired of hiring for this position, it leaks out.
One beleagured HR person told a friend of mine at the beginning of an interview, “Okay, picture the worst possible working conditions,” a statement strangely verging on a question. She then went on to say that the person she’d be working for was a drug addict, and other morbid details about his rapidly-deteriorating personal life. Is this unusual? You be the judge. I know some of us have that sign on our back that says “Open up with me” and get all sorts of valuable information off-the-cuff.
So, if you’re getting a hint that things aren’t all they should be, take note, and then re-ascertain your levels of tolerance. Go back to your “can’t stand” list, the things you aren’t willing to tolerate in a job situation, because the rubber’s about to hit the road. Some of us do OK with the stress of dealing with a difficult person on a day-to-day basis, and some of us it makes sick; I mean physically sick.
BTW WHAT IS A “DIFFICULT” PERSON?
I’m sure several examples leapt to your mind, but here’s what I think is a good working definition: Someone with low or no Emotional Intelligence who therefore requires a good deal of energy from you. How willing are you to expend this kind of energy?
Bear in mind, too, that when you move into a situation like this, especially if it’s not a large shop and the others have been around for a while, that the culture is deeply ingrained.
One of the few possibilities for changing the behavior of a difficult person is to do a 360 (or get consensus), and consider your chances of obtaining helpful (to your cause) results when everyone else is like them, and the ones that aren’t are afraid to say anything.
Were you to witness the most preposterous incident and go to one of the others for consensual validation that something was amiss, you would likely get blank stares or shrugs. “That’s the way it’s done around here” has become a firm conviction that “that’s the way things are in this world.” If you described other scenarios or possibilities, they either wouldn’t believe you, or wouldn’t care, having adjusted and given up. After all, all they’ve seen is all they know.
THIS PLACE IS NOXIOUS
I recall temping many years ago. I found the office untenable from the beginning and thanked my lucky stars I was only a temp. I didn’t say anything because I was shielded from most of it, but the temp who joined me the next week told the manager, “I don’t want you to think I might consider working here permanently, just to let you know. There’s something very wrong about this place.” The manager then came to me and said, “She said there’s something very wrong about this place. What is she talking about?”
When you’re interviewing for a position, consider your fit for the technical and academic requirements for the job, and also the kind of people you want to work for and with, and in what kind of environment. Spend some time thinking it over, and construct a “must have” and “can’t stand” list.
When you enter the office for the interview, wet your finger and stick it up in the air to test the wind. Use your intuition, an EQ competency, to tell you what it would feel like to work there. Your gut feelings are what can deliver to you the most important information, which may be just below the surface – is this the place for you?
Susan Dunn is a professional coach who specializes in emotional intelligence for individuals and businesses, with applications to all areas of your life.
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